Category: Life

I Am

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I am a woman. I love being a woman. A woman who is conscious. 

I am straight. I love falling in love with a man. A man who loves my resilience, voice, and mind.

I am a Chicana. I love my heritage. A heritage that resonates within my soul.

I am a sister. I love being a sister. A sister who shares an unbreakable bond with her siblings. 

I am a daughter. I love my mom and dad. A mom and dad who have loved me unconditionally and always stayed by my side.

I am a reader. I love a good book. A book that takes me away, and then away again.

I am a writer. I love writing down a million words. A million words that come together to tell my story.

I am a cry-baby. I love having a good cry. A long, dramatic cry over something trivial and over something real. 

I am messy. I love making a mess of things. A mess that I procrastinate to even get started cleaning.

I am crazy. I love being a crazy person. A crazy person who isn’t afraid to break through normal, restrictive boundaries. 

I am imperfect. I love having many imperfections within myself. A perfect person is just not me.

I am hopeful. I love having hope within every ounce of me. A hopeful person can inspire the next to hold hope in their own heart.   

I am human. I love being remarkably human. A completely complex, imperfect and crazy human in this insanely scary and beautiful world.

I am all of these things and more.

I am what I am.

And…

I am good enough for me, I am good enough.

 

 

Stillness of the Mind

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A letter to myself and you…

What is that?

That feeling of calm and exhilarating silence. Do you feel that?It might only last for a moment, so relax… Allow the feeling to comfort you, whisper to you, engulf you with warmth.

What is that feeling?

It is a moment in which the mind is still. Impossible for this to happen? No. It happens ever so often, but sometimes only lasts as little as five seconds. If you let it, it can last for days.

Is the mind ever truly still? Our mind is in a constant battle with the world and our identity. Who are you? And what does the world want you to be?

I am a feminist. Man-hater, cave-woman, lesbian.
I wouldn’t say I am a feminist. Weak, submissive, You don’t want rights for women???
I am gay. You don’t deserve rights, sinner, disgusting.
I love God. God isn’t real, Religious people are annoying.
I don’t believe in God. Satanist, You are going to hell, You are a bad person.
I am Mexican American. Illegal immigrant, dirty, criminal.
I am White. Cracker, I hate white people!

You tear yourself apart and rip out with anger and frustration all that you are made of and slam it on the table and argue with the voices on the other side who claim they know what is better for you.

Or…

You shield your insides, everything that makes you who you are, and hide them from the dominant voices that say what is wrong with you. You hide away in fear of rejection.

The painful discourse within begins….

Who am I? Is it bad for me to be me? Do I need to be better or different? But why can’t people just accept or love me for who I am? Screw everyone! I’ll be and do what I want! But I am sick of people judging me! I crave acceptance! Wait, no I don’t! I don’t care! Screw everyone! I believe in God, but I don’t believe being gay is bad. How does that make me bad? I AM NOT ALL BAD! I AM NOT ALL GOOD! SOMEBODY GIVE ME ANSWERS!

Slow down….
Just slow down…

Feel the stillness… take a deep breath in for five seconds.

One…
I am a feminist, and I don’t hate men and I don’t want to emasculate them.

Two…
I believe in God, and I love atheist, Muslims, Catholics, and Buddhists.

Three…
I am Mexican, and I don’t speak Spanish but I love my heritage.

Four…
I am straight woman, and I love you whether you are gay, bi-sexual, transgendered. No matter who you are.

Five…
I am imperfect, I am strong, I am beautiful, and I am flawed. I am okay.

Now breathe out.

There.

You feel that now? That feeling is what I am talking about. It is the stillness of the mind. A moment where you are calm and can feel your mind feeling relaxed and peaceful. It is the moment where you are okay and content with who you are. You accept that your multi-dimensional and don’t have to be stuck in binaries. You can be everything you want to be at once, and nobody can take that from you. It doesn’t matter what people tell you is right or wrong. All that matters is what brings your mind to this stillness and makes your heart beat with ease. Now do you feel the joy overflowing in you? That is because you can love yourself. You will love yourself. I will love you for you.

Enjoy this stillness. Eventually discourse will come again and you will feel lost, but remember… you will find yourself again and be able to feel this sweet stillness where there is no battle in the mind. You will be okay. You are not alone.

Well, here we go.

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How shall I start?

I am, in the simplest terms, a 23 years old Hispanic woman who is currently enrolled as a graduate student at a university in my city. The goal is to earn that beautiful Masters of Arts degree in English. I am, in the most complex terms, a 23 year old Hispanic woman who can’t speak Spanish, but loves to sing in Spanish. I drink Starbucks religiously and attempt to do yoga everyday when I wake up. I listen to indie music while I write and read, but listen to 80s music when I really want my ass to get jiggy with it. I’m overly dramatic and can talk for hours on end about topics that I am passionate about, but I also need personal space and quiet time in order to contemplate the next dramatic narrative that is going to come out my mouth. I cry easily when I am scared, happy, excited, nervous, sad or even hungry. I cry, it is what I do. I am a crier. I spend my money recklessly at times, but this is only at certain times in my life. These certain times are when I go to Target or Barnes & Noble. I am a Hispanic woman who is not a cliché at all. You see, I am complex. The same as every single person in this world. We are all just differently complex with certain aspects that can give us a simple façade. A simple façade is very easy to live behind. The difficult part is facing the complexity of our own mind, ideas, beliefs, feelings and identity. I wish it was as simple as I am a straight, Hispanic woman who is studying at a great university. However, I am far from being as simple as that sounds. I have naturally tanned skin that I was born with, but I can’t have a single conversation in freaking Spanish. I love my culture, but I can’t confidently say I understand the origins and history of my own culture. I am forever standing in binaries and trying to understand my own identity. I am passionate and my mind is forever expanding and stretching across borders that I never thought I would care to cross. These are the outlining borders of politics, sexuality, religion, personal values and beliefs. I become more and more complex as I age and I become lost and confused in the tidal waves of popular opinions. I challenge myself to speak and fight for things I believe in while reclaiming and rediscovering my complex self-identity, which can be scary but also exhilarating. That is why I am sitting here and working on this blog. If I am correct, I have been planning to write this blog for exactly one year. I could be wrong though. I want to share my experiences and path on a journey of self-discovery and reclaiming my identity as I pick up the pieces of what I am made of. This journey is scary and sharing my own beliefs and thoughts can make me vulnerable. But I also believe I can gain strength from this. I can gain strength by using my voice and sharing it with others and use that strength to stand up for what I believe in. I believe this would bring me so much happiness.
Ultimately, I am on a path to make my heart smile. I believe the most genuine form of happiness comes from when your heart and soul feel just as enriched and happy as the smile on your face is. So I am going to embark on this journey, because I think my own true happiness will come from understanding who I am and what I am made of. I hope I can encourage others to do the same, or to at least provide some laughter and joy for people. But for now, I will simply leave this here, and tell my mom some crazy story I come up with, and spend the rest of the day trying to make my heart smile.